Friday, January 7, 2011

On my own

Harvey died early on Christmas Day.

On Tuesday 4 January I went to the supermarket for the first time. There were so many things I no longer needed to buy. But when I tried to think what I should buy, I simply had no idea what I wanted.
         I wandered round very slowly, trying to work out what to do. I knew I had Lynn coming round Wednesday night and Frances for dinner on Friday, so I bought ravioli and chicken. Bread - there was none left.  Milk, garlic, wine. That was about it.
         Ever since I started shopping and cooking, after I first married at nineteen, I've had a  framework of other people to work within. Now all that has vanished and suddenly there's only me. 

Christmas 2009


Alexia said...

Oh Anne - my heart goes out to you. I well remember going to the supermarket after I had been told that my man had 5 or 6 weeks to live, because of the tumours in his liver. I stood in the aisles and looked around aimlessly, thinking that nothing would ever be the same again, and that I had no idea what, if any, food I wanted to buy.

It was very clear from Harvey's posts how much he enjoyed what you cooked for him, how much he appreciated how you looked after him, and how much he loved you.


AnneE said...

I was just sitting here in the awful quiet feeling really low and you reached out to me, ao understandingly. Thank you so much.

Alexia said...

I'm so glad if what I said helped a little. I hesitated about writing anything - after all I'm a stranger, and it seemed presumptuous. But your post brought back my feelings so strongly that I wanted to show some understanding, a recognition of what we go through when the person we love is gone.

lillyanne said...

Anne, I think it's very courageous of you to post about this. In one sense, of course, you will be bound to do exactly that: your life has turned upside down and nothing else could be - should be - as important to talk about. But oftentimes we don't express the most centrally important things to others, and I am glad that you can - if only because it gives me a chance to say how sorry I am for your loss. Harvey was, clearly, a gorgeous man.

People all round the world are thinking of you at this time: take some strength from that.

Plain Jane said...

Dear Anne - a heartbreaking post, and what can anyone else say to lessen the loss?
The first time I went shopping after being dumped from a 19-year relationship, I quickly abandoned the attempt and left in tears. So good on you for managing the chicken and the garlic.
All that delicious food you cooked for Harvey was an expresion of your love, and he knew it.

Anonymous said...

Dear Anne

I didn't know Harvey but both my mother and I read the Hand Mirror. I saw her last week and she said she was quite upset because her old English teacher, who she had so admired, had passed away. It turned out it was your Harvey.

I just wanted to let you know that all these years later he was still so fondly remembered and now mourned by one of his students.

All our love

A reader

mel said...

Dear Anne

The first book I picked up at the "just returned" section in the library yesterday happened to be Harvey's book. I'm reading it now.

Love, thoughts, prayers

x M